No blogging for me in a long time...no me in a long time. Caught up in the noise of the world, the hustle and bustle sometimes created by me and sometimes only what I imagine it to be. Life lessons learned since last blog? That no matter how close you are to people sometimes they can still turn around and bite you in the ass after having fed them.

It amazes me how petty most people are, the world is so caught up in small things it looses the bigger picture. And the scarry thing is the bigger picture is that we only have today....so who gives a fuck who drank the last soda or left their clothes on the bathroom floor. Today you are bitching about it and tomorrow you might be wishing that person were there to do that. The unappreciated details of life....the humanity in other people that ceases to exist when then do, and at that point, how important was it really?

What Now?

I can't even begin to define what the last year has done to my life. I think about life a year ago today and it doesn't even resemble the life I know today. The profound loss' that I have suffered have morphed me into someone I don't really even recognize anymore. I know that life changes and that is the only constant but I just couln't imagine what that would mean in the context of where my life would go. I thought normal things would happen, sure. But all of this? Never, not in a million years. And I ask myself on a daily basis, how do I go on? I draw my stregnth from God and from my family, but somedays...somedays its soo overwhelming. And when I feel like that I begin to Ad-Lib...not good for me to do because I'm not the best decison maker even though I always have the best of intentions. My mother use to say that the road to hell was paved with good intentions...if that is the case I know that mine is paved in gold because I never want to hurt anyone, I want to help everyone and I want everyone else to have a good life, and I always think I will be able to be there for everyone and make up for everything...just not sure that I am capable.
At the end of the day I guess I just want to say that my intentions are never to hurt people or cause havoc, and when I tell people I love them I mean it. I am sorry for the wrongs I have done even in the name for right, because I guess there is no right way to do the wrong thing. I hope that the world can find forgiveness in someone like me and know that I only wanted to do good at the end of the day.

That dreaded call in the middle of the night...

Sleeping soundly, occasionally waking myself from snoring too loudly...look at the clock 12:30am, good 6 more hours of sleep. I love to sleep at night, use to be that I didn't but I find now it is my only respite from the "real world" out there and so I have a new found fondness for it. And then there it is...the dreaded call with the ring tone I know so well, the one that melts my heart because my son sang me that song...echoing though a quiet house in a sleeping neighborhood, the volume on the phone must but up to 100 as I jump out of bed to "HEY MA, HOW YOU DOIN ITS YOUR SON NOW", quick glance at the clock 3:18...this must be bad.

I can't get down the steps fast enough, miss the call. But then it starts over "Hey MA,HOW" I am there and answer. My voice hardly works, which for those of you who know me know that this by itself should be a matter of record, in a horse voice the first thing I spit out is "whats wrong".  On the other end "Amber's car is gone".

What the hell is wrong with people? I understand the whole "lifestyle" but for goodness sake, there is two car seats in the back, the floor is strewn with toys. There is a lost passy in there somewhere that Fang is lamenting over, and I'm sure more than an collectors share of Puddy wear. Taking the only form of transportation from a family that is barly making it. People need to get a clue, don't steal from people who are barely making it like you are...GROW SOME CAJONES AND IF YOU WANT TO STEAL A CAR GO GO A LOT, COWARDS

New Day New Leaf

Today I wake in gratitude, praying off and on all night long for the answers I stilled my mind long enough to listen to them. I don't have to take two steps forward and three steps back, all I have to do is walk with integrity the first go round and there will be no back. Simple as it sounds its not always black and white, I find I have lived my life in the hazy grey and feel comfortable dwelling there. I don't want to be in the hazy grey any more I want to walk in the Sunlight of the Spirit and he has given me the answers to do that. God has been patient with me and allowed me to find the right path, and I am grateful for that also. My life is still full of pain and anguish over Moe but I feel hopefull today that I can put one foot in front of the other in the right direction and make a difference without making a compromise. Today is a New Day with a New Leaf.

Life is two steps forward three steps back

The more I progress the more I digress. Everything and nothing has changed. I am minus the booze but also minus a Brother. I go through the motions on a daily basis, realizing that the road to hell is paved with good intentions. And my intentions are good, but I do belive they have me on the road to hell. On the one hand I'm sorry because people inadvertanly get hurt, on the other hand how can I be sorry for helping those I love? 6 of one half dozen of the the other. There are never easy answers, or maybe there are and I just don't like those answers because they do not tell me what I want to hear. I think of life and know that if I don't do what I feel I need to do that things will not get done. I am the fabulous, amazing fixer of things...took that job over from my dad. Sometimes you just got to do what it takes.